To the boy who fell out of love with me — thank you, because if you hadn’t stopped loving me I wouldn’t be who I am today.
The day he left I felt like my whole world came crashing down on me, and in a way, it was crashing down on me because I made the mistake of making him my world and losing who I was in the process of it all. I never thought there would come a day he wouldn’t be in love with me anymore, but as I have seen so many times before people can surprise you and sometimes what we think we need is not actually what we need at all.
I really don’t know when or how but somewhere in the midst of everything, you fell out. You fell out of love with me and I knew it. I knew it months before you said goodbye. I knew it even before I begged you to stay so many times. I knew it then when I saw the light begin to dim from your eyes and when the fireworks that were once there, suddenly became a memory of what was once there between us. I knew you were gone before you even knew yourself, but in the pit of my heart I wanted to believe that we weren’t going to end up like that, and god did I try so hard to bring what we had before back, but despite my best effort we just didn’t end up the way we had planned.
When he left, I remember saying that I felt like a part of me left with him that day, as I watched him drive away from 11 months, I felt an odd sense of relief and maybe the guilt from that is what has held me back from moving on for so long because I didn’t want to feel that way about him, I was supposed to be in love with him and be this perfect couple that I made us look out to be on social media. Little did everyone know, we were not that way at all, don’t get me wrong I truly do believe we loved each other a lot and as bad as it turned out to be we were great at one time, but between the useless fights and hurtful words our love just burnt out and there was nothing I could do but just sit and watch or fight like hell to try to save it. Some people get lucky and can save their love and I was a believer and I wanted to believe that if I could change to be the girl he wanted me to be then I could save us, but as I tried so desperately to be this perfect girl for him, I began to loose myself in the process of it, and when he left I had lost who I was completely because I had tried so hard to become someone I wasn’t.
As painful as this break-up has been, I still knew I deserved better. I deserve someone who doesn’t have conflicted feelings about me. I deserve to be with someone who gives a damn about me and doesn’t break up with me every few months because he doesn’t understand himself. I just don’t and it took me a long time to figure that out. I was so in love with him and the idea of what he and we once were that I was so oblivious to who he was and who I was becoming because of him.
So thank you, boy who fell out of love with me, because if you hadn’t shattered my world that night and broke me down to the lowest I have EVER been in my life I would never have had the chance to become the women I am becoming today. If you had not left, I would still be that girl who would put her life on hold, if that meant making yours better. If you hadn’t made me question my self-worth to others or even to you I would never have had the courage to jump at the chances that I have been given and been so incredibly happy with the results.
Goodbyes make you braver and I don’t know if its the thrill of being alone again or the fear that you will feel the pain of him leaving that your body throws itself into every crazy opportunity it can get its hands on. Maybe I needed him to say goodbye all along to help me find myself but regardless he’s gone and I’m still here and for the longest time I hated that but as time went on and I began to heal I realized that life without him is different and I’ll never get used to missing him this way. They weren’t lying when they said missing him would come in waves but the phrase time heals all wounds could not be truer and slowly but surely you start to understand and learn the good in goodbye and seeing him doesn’t make your stomach drop and the sound of his name doesn’t make you burst into tears. You find yourself realizing that you aren’t thinking about him as much and you appreciate yourself and friends so much more. I write this story confidently now but don’t think I am as strong as I seem to be, I am human who’s heart has been broken and I still have my hard days but with my hard days I also have had some of the best days of my life since he left and that is what gives me hope that things get better.
The girl who is finally moving on.