I have always said that the best kind of writing is the kind that’s real and raw and personal and to be a good writer you have to sometimes be just that… So here we go.
Today is the day. I finally made it to nineteen (whoop, whoop) and god what a year eighteen has been for me. Life is different, from what it was exactly a year ago, so different that some days I look back and I can’t even imagine that, that was my life at one time.
I did a lot of things while being eighteen I loved and I lost, I graduated and entered a new chapter in life, I found self-love within myself and traveled and I started to believe in myself and my dreams and I am slowly (but surely) starting to get to where I want to go. But most of all eighteen was the year that I grew up the most; more than I ever have.
Eighteen was a year of growth and lost for me, I grew up a lot while being eighteen, in some ways for the good while in some ways for the bad, depends on how you look at it. I spent most of my year very sad… yeah I was really sad during this year. I went through my first major heartbreak and that took me a while to be okay again from that.
I was also very lost, I was trying to find who I was with no sense of direction on how to get to her. I was stuck in between who I wanted to be vs. who I thought I should be and trying to figure out the two left me very lost most days.
All the friends that started out eighteen with me are no longer my friends or there more acquaintances at this point and only ever come back in distant memories of what we used to be. I lost all of them this year, not because of anything I did or even they did (well some) mostly because we all just drifted apart once high school ended.
I totaled my car, I went through a too tan phase (I was like ungodly tan but not in an attractive way ) and bleached my hair ( BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER). I made a lot of other mistakes but that’s a story for another time.
BUT… Eighteen wasn’t all that bad towards the end.
I learned how to forgive and be kinder to myself. I became a survivor rather than another statistic college campuses use every year in their orientation speeches. I learned how to fight and how to be strong and to keep getting back up when life pushes you down because it will push you down and you have two choices. Let it define you and become another victim or fight like hell to rise above it.
It was because of that heartbreak I told you guys about earlier that I found writing and my whole idea for this blog. I decided to stop telling myself that I was going to do things but then never actually do them and I just decided to go for it and boy am I so glad I did because some amazing things have come from that little ounce of courage.
I built this website from scratch and made it my own little space on the internet and if it wasn’t for that terrible, lonely heartbreak “Elliana Marie” would not exist and I would have not been able to find what I was always meant to do all along.
I finally found what truly makes me happy and what I feel like is my purpose in life. Which is this blog and being a sister & a friend to another girl in need and I can only hope that my words can give some of you that feeling that I was searching for so desperately for so long during that very sad time in my life.
I realized my worth and who I am. And who I am is way to special and rare to ever be defined by those things that happened to me when I was eighteen.
I wish I could go back a year ago today and just hug my newly eighteen-year-old self and tell her that she is going to be okay. Because a year ago I was not the same girl that is writing this to you today, I didn’t even know I was capable of becoming the girl I am now, but here I am, one year later.
I wish I could hug her and tell her that she has no idea what amazing things and people and experiences that are going to happen to her while being eighteen. And that I know her world is gone and she has no idea who she is or where she’s going but if she just keeps holding on and having faith, she will eventually see all those amazing things start to happen.
And I did.
But.. As amazing as some things have been for me, I am still a work in progress and just like you I’m still trying to figure myself and this crazy life out.
I would be lying to you if I said I’m starting out nineteen happy and content with my life. Don’t get me wrong I’m content but I’m not happy with it but I know there is room to create happiness within it. But what does make me happy is you guys- the people who read my blog posts or like my Instagram pictures, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you because you guys are the reason I do what I do and it would not be possible if it wasn’t for your endless love and support.
So, here’s to another birthday, to new possibilities and the unexpected craziness of life that nineteen will bring me.