All the time people ask me, “why are you so bitter about love?” “Don’t you want to fall in love again?” I always reply with the same answer, “Of course, I do. Whenever I am ready” But sometimes I wonder will I ever be ready again? It’s a question that lingers and stays in the back of my head daily whenever I pass couples on the street or meet guys around town. The truth is I just simply have no desire or want to fall in love again anytime soon.
If you have ever had your heartbroken, you will know and understand where I am coming from, and I mean REALLY broken. The kind of broken that makes you question how you were even able to survive everyday life during that time.
You never forget the feeling of them leaving and the feeling you got in the pit of your stomach whenever you heard their name. You will never be able to forget the sound that your cries made and the endless nights you spent in your sheets gasping for air because of how hard you had been crying.
And although you may not miss them anymore, those memories still linger around and resurface whenever you try to allow yourself to love again. So I avoid love because it’s not a risk I am willing to let my heart take right now.
Because right now is my time. It is the time for me to be as selfish as I want and to focus on myself and my dreams and to work my ass off to make those dreams become a reality. Do you think Beyonce sat around and cried over a man? Probably, (because let’s be real we all cry here ok) BUT she didn’t sit around and not make something out of it.
The best love usually comes when it’s not expected and I truly believe that if I let it be then it will come, but if I go searching for love that does not need to be found by me yet, it will not be the kind of love I deserve or want.
So, for now, it’s okay if I don’t want to settle down with the first guy that claims he loves me. It’s okay if I am more guarded and selective when it comes to men now. Maybe one day I will be ready to love again and I will want to fall in love and meet someone great and I won’t be “the bitter friend who hates love”. But until that day it is just going to me and my guarded heart, because at the end of the day, all I have is myself and for now, she is everything I could ever want and more.