how to lose a guy in a month

If you know me then you know that when it comes to dating, I suck at it. Like actually, truly, 100% suck at it. Maybe it’s me or maybe it’s just the guys I seem to attract which may I add tends to be either A. guys whose egos are bigger than them :,). B. Guys who just got out of a relationship ( I swear I think I have a sign written across my forehead in invisible ink that only guys who just got out of a relationship can see.) or C. Idk, but moral of the story I seem to only attract the WORST types of guys. Now yes, it takes two to tango but to my defense, I have been single for 2 1/2 years and when you haven’t dated someone serious for that long, you meet a few people along the way. But, truly I don’t know how I seem to find these guys. My dating history reminds me of this, imagine you go to the pound in hopes to bring home a dog but instead of bringing home a fluffy, little, pooch you bring home a 3 headed iguana name Steve who may or may not have an eating disorder but you brought him home because he was “different.” Do you see what I’m saying here? I always go for the “different guys” but in the end ladies, they all seem to be the same. Yeah, sorry I’m being that girl right now but tbh I’m over this whole dating thing, so whatever. Never the less, I did (and this is so rare, might I just add) once see a guy for longer than 2 weeks and whether you’re trying to get the guy your mom set you up with to stop liking you or you’re simply just curious to see what a month of dating looks like for me this is what I concluded on how to lose a guy in just one month.


Week one:  Everything is new and going so well, you guys are in the beginning stages of the relationship where you overthink your every move and things can be well a little awkward at first. But after the 3rd or 4th date, things tend to feel more natural. You guys start hanging out more, you tell your friends about them (well at least I know most girls do this, guys let me know if you do this too? ) but then the inevitable thought enters your mind and may I add this thought usually comes at the most random times too. Example: I was watching friends and eating an easy mac cup when this thought crossed my mind. “Could I see myself being serious with this person one day.” Now, maybeeee I suck at relationships because this thought enters my mind too soon when I first start seeing a guy but hey can you blame me? I just don’t want to waste my time on someone. But you being SUCH the cool, laid back girl that you’re, decides to brush it off and just keep it “casual.” Until we get into week 3.. but we’ll get there.

Week Two:  You guys are pretty much doing the same thing you were doing in week one except now the feelings are getting stronger. Maybe on both ends or maybe with just one person but someone or both of you are definitely catching the feels and it’s starting to show. But ladies, remember we are trying to lose the guy before the end of the month, so listen carefully on what to do in week two. Casually, and I do mean casually, ask one day, “hey would you maybe want to go and *insert something to do that doesn’t involve you two either banging or watching Netflix and him thinking, that was a “date”.* and just wait. Now either two things will happen, he either will A. be down, which in this case, congrats girl you may have a keeper or B. He will make up some excuse as to why he can’t and it will sound something like this ” I can’t because I don’t know how to skate or read or do anything else that doesn’t involve my penis, sorry but hey wanna come over and drink with the boys tonight?” And from there you say, yes because it would be just wrong to turn down free alcohol right?

Let’s say you go to his friend’s run down, frat basement and you throw back a few rounds, by now you’re starting to feel more comfortable and the smell of mold and dirty dishes seems to bother you a little less than it did 2 hours ago. Now again, you being the social, laid back gal that you’re, start sparking up a conversation with his friends and by the 8th natty light, you might as well put “phi kappa apple theta sweetheart” in your Instagram bio because his friends LOVE YOU. Of course, they do, it’s you duh but give it a few days and watch as your relationship goes one or two ways.

Week three:   Things are awesome with you guys, you begin to get into a routine, your friends/his friends know about you and you think what could go wrong? but remember when I said that we would keep it casual and be the really laid back, cool girl that we were in week one? Yeah, that idea is long gone after I start liking a guy, and don’t get me wrong, I reallyyy do try to keep it casual. And, I don’t know about you guys but I really hate investing time in people that don’t know what they want with me. So, obviously, you being the rational human being that you are, thinks should I ask the forbidden question?

Your brain says no, because of your dating history and your knowledge of how guy emotions work (you can thank your guy friends for that one.) But your heart says yes because you reallyy like this guy and hey he seems to like you too so what harm could it do to ask right? Wrong, this is literally the red, big, button they put in cartoon shows that they tell the character not to touch but what does Donald Duck do? He touches it. You are Donald Duck, and the question of “So, where is this going” is the button and once you press the button there’s no coming back. So if you want to make him run for the hills, just ask that question.

Week four:  So by now, three things have either happened, he’s either A. into you and things seem to be looking good for your relationship ( personally, can’t relate, this option has never really happened for me but, yeah whatever, I’ll gladly stalk your Instagram, wine drunk on a Friday night and swear off love while I do it. B. He has given you the “Idk, I’m just busy doing this, this, this.” Or I’m not sure what I want in my life right now, or he may say that his cat died, his mom said he couldn’t be serious with someone right now, he has to leave for the bachelorette.” I mean the options of excuses here are pretty endless. or C. he just ghosts and you never hear from him again, and PSA if you have done this to someone before, you suck.

Now may I add gentlemen, when we ask the question “So, what are we doing?” this does not mean, we are asking for a label, or for a spring ring or for you to take us home to meet your mom and your 2 dogs named roko and dash. We only ask this because we wanna know if are we wasting our time with you. But I swear, I think some of you think we are asking for something serious when 9/10 times we are on the same page as you are, we just wanna know if you guys see a potential future with us sometime down the road. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow or next month, but sometimes we just need a little reassurance that we aren’t wearing our hearts on our sleeves for nothing yanno?

Whatever, I’m still very hopeful that one day I’ll end up with a golden retriever and tbh if I had a golden retriever I wouldn’t even care about men anymore. See ya buddy, I have a dog now. But basically, if you wanna lose a guy in a month, be in a normal and healthy relationship and then ask him “So what are we?” and whoop there ya have it. He’s gone, running for the hills as you read this line, never to be seen again, except via Instagram or when he comes back in a few months and says “hey how have you been?”


xo,

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Life lessons I learned in 2018 + to new beginnings.

Every year I like to look back and reflect on how much I’ve changed as a person within the last year. Who I’m friends or maybe even not friends with anymore. What guy I’m upset or not upset about this year, it’s little things like that, that I like to think about before I ring in the new year.

&&& 2018 was the year of growth for me.

2018 brought me a lot of cool growing moments in my life, it was a weird but really cool year for me. It was the year I said goodbye to my youth and began my journey of “adulthood”. I air-quote adulthood because I don’t have a 401K yet but I do pay my rent so naturally, my 20-year-old self would feel like a full grown adult.

No, but on a serious note I really did grow up a lot this past year, It was the year of being uncomfortable but also realizing what I’m capable of. Never in a million years did I think I would be able to go to full school time and work 3 jobs on the weekends and stay sane at the same time, but yet here I am doing it.

2018 taught me to push myself out of my comfort zone and to start believing in myself and the moment I did a lot of things changed for me. I learned a lot of tough lessons, had my heart broken a few times, but in the end I turned out okay and for that, I’m grateful. I have high hopes that 2019 will only bring bigger and better things for me. But before I ring in the new year, here are some life lessons + goals I plan on taking with me into 2019.

  1. you have to teach your heart what it cannot accept.

This quote hits home for me because I’m an optimist and I used to HATE being this way because people used to give me crap about being this way, which like ???. But whatever, anyways this year I have had to learn some hard life lessons, in realizing that not everybody has the same heart as you do and for me, I want to believe that most people are good. And 90% of the time they are but sometimes those people aren’t necessarily bad people they just aren’t good people for you. So I try to live by this quote in my relationships + friendships.

2. Invest in people who invest in you.

If only I understood the true meaning of this a year ago, I would have saved SO much time in some relationships. Ugh, I cannot stress this quote enough, I used to make excuses for people all the time, from why a guy didn’t call me back to if a friend didn’t invite me out that night but eventually I gave myself a reality check and the reality is. If someone wants to call you, they will, if someone wants to hang out with you, they’ll invite you, it’s harsh but it’s true but I like to think of it this way – (which is brutal but helps me stay realistic). Think of that one guy or that one friend you realllyyy don’t like hanging out with that much, think of the way you ignore them, and then apply that mindset to the situation you keep making excuses for. Yeah, it sucks but this mindset has saved me from wasting my time on so many people and it helps keep me in check.

3. Get more done in the morning

This is more a goal I have for myself for 2019, rather than a life lesson but in my 20 short years of life, I have come to find out that if I get up early I’m sooo much more productive rather than if I wake up at like noon? Yes, I already sorta knew this but I didn’t dare think about actually DOING it because mornings yanno?

4. Invest in yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.

Ladies and Gents, self-care in all ways is so important!! && I don’t mean doing a face mask here and there, I mean actually investing in your self. I never really understood the importance of self-care until my freshman year of college when I was pulling all-nighters at least twice a week. Your girl pulled over 42 her first semester alone. FORTY-TWO PEOPLE like wtf why did I do that? I was miserable and sleep deprived and all because I wanted to ace my exams and you’ll come to learn that school is not my jam. So after my freshman year, I told myself that I would never jeproadize my mental health again just for a letter grade, so hey I may have failed art but at least I’m happy. That’s a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point, moral of the story is to put yourself first, and like ACTUALLY prioritize yourself because the moment you do, you’ll overall become a happier person. My mom and I talk about how different I look from this time last year to now and it truly shines through all around when you start taking care of yourself. So take your vitamins and tell people to f. off when it’s needed and you’ll be good.

Me this time last year.
Me this year.
See the difference? I’m GLOWING, THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE. *insert hand clapping emoji*

5. There’s no right or wrong way to do something

This one hits home for me especially right now in my life. Growing up, we are told that there’s a certain “way” we are supposed to do things. You go to high school to go to college to go to college to get a job and from there your left with two choices: You either go back to school so you can get a career or you go off and find one and then we get into babies and marriage and ah all of it stresses me out. If you don’t know me, then you wouldn’t know that school is really hard for me and I mean REALLY HARD. I spend more hours than any of my friends at the library, I take fewer class loads and yet I find myself in the same place at the end of every semester. Unhappy and failing. In the wise words of my mother, God gave me many talents in life and I’m so unbelievably thankful that he did, but being naturally good at school was just not one of them. It’s very frustrating living in a culture where it’s very difficult to succeed in life if you don’t earn a college degree. Now, I’m not saying that it’s not possible but from someone who wants to be the head social media director at Cosmopolitan, one day, it’s a little difficult to do that without one. You’re probably thinking about how all of this is relevant to the main point, but I’m telling you this so you get that, there’s no right or wrong way to do something. We were unfortunately raised in a society that tells us to not break away from the status quo and to do what everyone else is doing and I say it’s bullshit. You are not put on this earth to just work a 9-5 job and spend your entire life chasing after the perfect career or family or husband or whatever you desire. I have to believe that we have more of a purpose in this life than just working our entire lives, whether it’s in school or our careers or our families. I don’t know if I’m going back to school next semester, I’ll finish college but I’m not sure how I will and I’m unsure about a lot of things but that’s okay. I rather not know what I’m going to do next in my life than live a life that was structured out in a way where I know my next step because that’s what society says I should be doing. I don’t have a trust fund and I don’t have the next big invention like Steve Jobs did when he dropped out of college to create the iPhone but I do have a lot of passion and drive and hard work has never scared me. So, I guess what I’m saying is I have to believe that there are other ways you can create the life you want to live without having to take the traditional route to do it. For some people, that route is for them and you know what you do you girl and go get em’ but for others like myself, this whole ” you have to do this, this, and this a certain way” just isn’t for me homies. Anywho, moral of the story live your life the way you want to boo, when you hit an obstacle find a way around it or through it because life is not that black and white and there’s no right or wrong way to do something.

Take a shot for me and remember to stay safe & not drink and drive this New Years and let’s ring in 2019.

xo,