how to lose a guy in a month

If you know me then you know that when it comes to dating, I suck at it. Like actually, truly, 100% suck at it. Maybe it’s me or maybe it’s just the guys I seem to attract which may I add tends to be either A. guys whose egos are bigger than them :,). B. Guys who just got out of a relationship ( I swear I think I have a sign written across my forehead in invisible ink that only guys who just got out of a relationship can see.) or C. Idk, but moral of the story I seem to only attract the WORST types of guys. Now yes, it takes two to tango but to my defense, I have been single for 2 1/2 years and when you haven’t dated someone serious for that long, you meet a few people along the way. But, truly I don’t know how I seem to find these guys. My dating history reminds me of this, imagine you go to the pound in hopes to bring home a dog but instead of bringing home a fluffy, little, pooch you bring home a 3 headed iguana name Steve who may or may not have an eating disorder but you brought him home because he was “different.” Do you see what I’m saying here? I always go for the “different guys” but in the end ladies, they all seem to be the same. Yeah, sorry I’m being that girl right now but tbh I’m over this whole dating thing, so whatever. Never the less, I did (and this is so rare, might I just add) once see a guy for longer than 2 weeks and whether you’re trying to get the guy your mom set you up with to stop liking you or you’re simply just curious to see what a month of dating looks like for me this is what I concluded on how to lose a guy in just one month.


Week one:  Everything is new and going so well, you guys are in the beginning stages of the relationship where you overthink your every move and things can be well a little awkward at first. But after the 3rd or 4th date, things tend to feel more natural. You guys start hanging out more, you tell your friends about them (well at least I know most girls do this, guys let me know if you do this too? ) but then the inevitable thought enters your mind and may I add this thought usually comes at the most random times too. Example: I was watching friends and eating an easy mac cup when this thought crossed my mind. “Could I see myself being serious with this person one day.” Now, maybeeee I suck at relationships because this thought enters my mind too soon when I first start seeing a guy but hey can you blame me? I just don’t want to waste my time on someone. But you being SUCH the cool, laid back girl that you’re, decides to brush it off and just keep it “casual.” Until we get into week 3.. but we’ll get there.

Week Two:  You guys are pretty much doing the same thing you were doing in week one except now the feelings are getting stronger. Maybe on both ends or maybe with just one person but someone or both of you are definitely catching the feels and it’s starting to show. But ladies, remember we are trying to lose the guy before the end of the month, so listen carefully on what to do in week two. Casually, and I do mean casually, ask one day, “hey would you maybe want to go and *insert something to do that doesn’t involve you two either banging or watching Netflix and him thinking, that was a “date”.* and just wait. Now either two things will happen, he either will A. be down, which in this case, congrats girl you may have a keeper or B. He will make up some excuse as to why he can’t and it will sound something like this ” I can’t because I don’t know how to skate or read or do anything else that doesn’t involve my penis, sorry but hey wanna come over and drink with the boys tonight?” And from there you say, yes because it would be just wrong to turn down free alcohol right?

Let’s say you go to his friend’s run down, frat basement and you throw back a few rounds, by now you’re starting to feel more comfortable and the smell of mold and dirty dishes seems to bother you a little less than it did 2 hours ago. Now again, you being the social, laid back gal that you’re, start sparking up a conversation with his friends and by the 8th natty light, you might as well put “phi kappa apple theta sweetheart” in your Instagram bio because his friends LOVE YOU. Of course, they do, it’s you duh but give it a few days and watch as your relationship goes one or two ways.

Week three:   Things are awesome with you guys, you begin to get into a routine, your friends/his friends know about you and you think what could go wrong? but remember when I said that we would keep it casual and be the really laid back, cool girl that we were in week one? Yeah, that idea is long gone after I start liking a guy, and don’t get me wrong, I reallyyy do try to keep it casual. And, I don’t know about you guys but I really hate investing time in people that don’t know what they want with me. So, obviously, you being the rational human being that you are, thinks should I ask the forbidden question?

Your brain says no, because of your dating history and your knowledge of how guy emotions work (you can thank your guy friends for that one.) But your heart says yes because you reallyy like this guy and hey he seems to like you too so what harm could it do to ask right? Wrong, this is literally the red, big, button they put in cartoon shows that they tell the character not to touch but what does Donald Duck do? He touches it. You are Donald Duck, and the question of “So, where is this going” is the button and once you press the button there’s no coming back. So if you want to make him run for the hills, just ask that question.

Week four:  So by now, three things have either happened, he’s either A. into you and things seem to be looking good for your relationship ( personally, can’t relate, this option has never really happened for me but, yeah whatever, I’ll gladly stalk your Instagram, wine drunk on a Friday night and swear off love while I do it. B. He has given you the “Idk, I’m just busy doing this, this, this.” Or I’m not sure what I want in my life right now, or he may say that his cat died, his mom said he couldn’t be serious with someone right now, he has to leave for the bachelorette.” I mean the options of excuses here are pretty endless. or C. he just ghosts and you never hear from him again, and PSA if you have done this to someone before, you suck.

Now may I add gentlemen, when we ask the question “So, what are we doing?” this does not mean, we are asking for a label, or for a spring ring or for you to take us home to meet your mom and your 2 dogs named roko and dash. We only ask this because we wanna know if are we wasting our time with you. But I swear, I think some of you think we are asking for something serious when 9/10 times we are on the same page as you are, we just wanna know if you guys see a potential future with us sometime down the road. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow or next month, but sometimes we just need a little reassurance that we aren’t wearing our hearts on our sleeves for nothing yanno?

Whatever, I’m still very hopeful that one day I’ll end up with a golden retriever and tbh if I had a golden retriever I wouldn’t even care about men anymore. See ya buddy, I have a dog now. But basically, if you wanna lose a guy in a month, be in a normal and healthy relationship and then ask him “So what are we?” and whoop there ya have it. He’s gone, running for the hills as you read this line, never to be seen again, except via Instagram or when he comes back in a few months and says “hey how have you been?”


xo,

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Do politics matter when it comes to relationships?

In the wise words of Samantha Jones, “I don’t believe in political parties, I just believe in parties.” which on any given Thursday I would have to say I agree with her but in light of the recent election, this got me thinking about the universal question that crosses my mind every election, does politics matter when it comes to relationships?

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I never believed in the concept that politics mattered in relationships until I had not one but TWO guys break up with me because of my political views. Now, what I believe in or don’t believe doesn’t really matter but apparently to these guys it did. Let’s get into it.

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I once was seeing this guy for about a few weeks this past summer, he was sweet and cute and things were going great and honestly the thought that our political views could get in the way of our relationship never really crossed my mind. UNTIL, one night he said, “What would you do if you ever got pregnant right now” First off, can we all just agree that this is f. weird that homeboy would ask that? Like we were only a few weeks into this thing and don’t get me wrong he was very cute but not cute enough to be blessed with my hypothetical offspring but moving on.

Now, what I said or didn’t say doesn’t really matter but in the end, homeboy dumped me over our hypothetical child. Which was my first indication that politics did in fact matter in relationships but me being the over-optimistic human that I am wanted to believe that hey maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, besides who wants to be with a guy who was planning on having my children, when we were only a month into dating? Not me, so we moved on with our lives.

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The second time, I realized that politics mattered in relationships was when I met another guy who was also sweet and awesome until one day I discovered one of his hobbies. Now before I begin explaining about man #2 let me fill you in on some background information. So, imagine this its summer break, all your college friends have gone home and your weekends have been replaced by hanging out in someone’s basement from high school and movie marathon’s with your mom. If you can imagine you would get bored pretty fast, so what better way to cure your boredness? Hit up an old high school boyfriend of course. Am I exactly proud of dating this guy again because I had nothing better to do this past summer? No, but honestly after the way he ended things with me, this article does not compare to the justice this man deserves but moving on with the story.

Basically, it’s the same old, same old, guy meets girl, girl likes the guy, things are going awesome until one day I look under his car seat to find this huge ass handgun literally right under me. This followed into the conversation that he was a HUGE gun guy and no one was going to take away his guns, America. Now, like I said I’m not going to share my political views with you guys but I will let you know one thing about me and that is that I’m not a fan of guns, to each it’s own but personally it’s not my thing. Now, to this guy it WAS his thing, like this man lived, breathe, and worshiped guns, it was like dating the poster child to an NRA ad.

Anyways, not long after I told him I wasn’t a fan of his gun collection, he told me he needed some time apart and I never heard from him again and moral of the story ladies and gentlemen is you should never hit up your high school ex-boyfriend’s when your bored and B. You should never date a conservative Republican if you don’t side with our current gun laws. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

No just kidding, but in all honesty, after those events occurred, I came to the conclusion that in relationships politics do matter (somewhat) and here’s why. Whatever controversial issues you support or don’t support reflect a lot about your moral and life values, not every issue but the big ones. So if your dating someone who’s life values doesn’t match up with yours I’d imagine it be hard to maintain a long-term relationship if you guys don’t believe in the same things. (EX: if I ended up with guy #2 our living room decor probably would of consist of a wall dedicated to AR-15’s.) UNLESS you happened to be dating someone who is pretty cool and open-minded then I think it could work. I think it sorta depends on the person tbh.

I asked random people at work one day what they thought on the topic and this is what they said.-

Barback guy:  Oh yeah, for sure they do, if I was dating a girl who’s political views didn’t line up with mine I would end it immediately.

One of the kitchen workers: Yes, they do. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and the most we fought in our entire marriage is when Bush, Obama, and Trump have been in office.

The Bartender: No, but also some things are better left unsaid when it comes to those types of things.

A random couple I sat: Ahh, not really. We don’t share the same political views, yet we get along but then again we’re both pretty laid back when it comes to politics.

A drunk guy sitting at the bar (and I quote word to word): ” Listen, honey, I grew up super liberal and I once had a friend who grew up super controversial and our friendship actually ended over a fight about our political views, so yes they do.

So in conclusion, I think it depends on the person and the situation and it seems like out of all the people that I have asked they do matter in relationships, but only if you let it. So this Thanksgiving, remember to agree to disagree with your conservative or liberal family members and if all else fails at least there’s wine.

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Xo,